Thursday, September 14, 2006


it's been months since I've even posted here. How typical. As usual, some parts of my life are going really well, others are dwindling fast. School is going all right. Pre-calculus is going to rape me. I feel dumb in that class. The Burden is okay far. I'm starting to be more active within activities at schoo and being more outgoing with people. My friendships are one of the best things in my life right now. Everything else pretty much sucks. Randilea came out of nowhere and I feel really close to her. I can really open up to her and she oddly enough gets me.

On the other hand, I'm more lonely and depressed than I can describe. I am starting to realize that things probably won't ever seem to work out with the one person I really want. And the people that I could see some sort of opportunity in, well, that doesn't seem to work out either. So now, I'm stuck in this state. Alone and very lonely. One of my good friends has a different guy a week and it makes me feel horrible. She can get any guy and I can't just because I won't sleep with every guy I think is cute. I feel cliche but I just want something more and I'm starting to even give up on that.

Ha, this is something I had to write about here because I couldn't write it in my English journal.

"what we really want is just ahead, just over that hill. And the more I learn, the less I try to climb. The more we change, the more we wish we stayed the same. The more we try to fake ourselves into beliefs: "the grass must be green somewhere!""

Thursday, April 27, 2006

How sad...

but this song is extremely relatable for me. Does that mean I'm completely fucked up in terms of relationships? Maybe...

"You Are What You Love"

This is no great illusion
When I'm with you I'm looking for a ghost
Or invisible reasons
To fall out of love and run screaming from our home
Because we live in a house of mirrors
We see our fears and everything
Our songs, faces, and second hand clothes.
But more and more we're suffering
Not nobody, not a thousand beers
Will keep us from feeling so all alone

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
That's why I'm here on your doorstep
Pleading for you to take me back

The phone is a fine invention
It allows me to talk endlessly to you
About nothing disguising my intentions
Which I'm afraid, my friend, are wildly untrue
It's a sleight of hand, a white soul band
The heart attacks I'm convinced I have
Every morning upon waking
To you I'm a symbol or a monument
Your rite of passage to fufillment
But I'm not yours for the taking

But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
So I guess that's why you keep calling me back

I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas
Things that will never happen to me
But at arms length, it's Tim who said
I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding a void in everything
But you are what you love, Tim
And not what loves you back
And I'm in love with illusions
So saw me in half
I'm in love with tricks
So pull another rabbit out of your hat.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Current song - Ben Kweller - "In Other Words"

While bored this afternoon I so happened to be glancing through a few old books of mine, one of which was my favorite book - "The Unbearable Lightness of Being".

I flipped through the pages to find parts that I had marked or pages folded for future reference (a habit I cannot break). I stumbled upon these two that, although they had about 40 pages between them.. seemed very connected. These excerpts reminded me, once again, why I love Milan Kundera so...

Page 209
"His adventure with Tereza began at the exact point where his adventures with other women left off. It took place on the other side of the imperative that pushed him into conquest after conquest. He had no desire to uncover anything in Tereza. She had come to him uncovered. He had made love to her before he could grab the imaginary scalpel he used to open the prostrate body of the world. Before he could start wondering what she would be like when they made love, he loved her.
Their love story did not begin until afterward: she fell ill and he was unable to send her home as he had the others. Kneeling by her as she lay sleeping in his bed, he realized that someone had sent her downstream in a bulrush basket. I have said before that metaphors are dangerous. Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory."

Page 239.
"Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.
Let us suppose that such is the case, that somewhere in the world each of us has a partner who once formed part of our body. Tomas's other part is the young woman he dreamed about. The trouble is, man does not find the other part of himself. Instead, he is sent a Tereza in a bulrush basket. But what happens if he nevertheless later meets the one who was meant for him, the other part of himself? Whom is he to prefer? The woman from the bulrush basket or the woman from Plato's myth?
He tried to picture himself living in an ideal world with the young woman from his dream. He sees Tereza walking past the open window of their ideal house. She is alone and stops to look in at him with an infinitely sad expression in her eyes. He cannot withstand her glance. Again, he feels her pain in his own heart. Again, he falls prey to compassion and sinks deep into her soul. He leaps out of the window, but she tells him bitterly to stay where he feels happy, making those abrupt, angular movements that so annoyed and displeased him. He grabs her nervous hands and pressed them between his own to calm them. And he knows that time and again he will abandon the house of his happiness, time and again abandon his paradise and the woman of his dream and betray the "Es muss sein!" of his love and go off with Tereza, the woman born of six laughable fortuities."

Kundera, you slay me.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Because I love Milly...

Because I still find this to be interesting...

Put your music player on shuffle.Press forward for each question.Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't makesense. You'll besurprised though. NO CHEATING!!---------------------------------

How am I feeling today? "Irish Blood, English Heart" - Morrissey

Will I get far in life? "Stay Loose" - Belle & Sebastian

How do my friends see me? "Blackbird" - The Beatles

Where will I get married? "Night & Day" - The Good Life

What is my best friend's theme song? "Lizzy" - Ben Kweller

What is the story of my life? "Making Friends & Acquaintances" - Cursive (god, how fucking true...)

What was high school like? "The Soldiering Life" - The Decemberists

How can I get ahead in life? "Ageless Beauty" - Stars (again, true!)

What is the best thing about me? "Styrofoam Plates" - Death Cab For Cutie

What is today going to be like? "Paint's Peeling" - Rilo Kiley

What is in store for this weekend? "Northern Sky" - Nick Drake (I guess I'm going to fall in love this weekend, haha. Yay!)

What song describes my parents? "Phone Call" - The Faint

To describe my grandparents? "The Way His Collar Falls" - Saves The Day

How is my life going? "War on War" - Wilco (metaphorically, that fits.)

What song will they play at my funeral? "Simple Twist of Fate" - Bob Dylan

How does the world see me? "Early Out the Gate" - The Good Life

Will I have a happy life? "Ha Ha" - Mates of State

What do my friends really think of me? "A Gentleman Caller" - Cursive

Do people secretly lust after me? "Pictures of Me" - Elliott Smith

How can I make myself happy? "Tomorrow Too Late" - Saves The Day

What should I do with my life? "Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh" - Bright Eyes

Will I ever have children? "Hideway" - The Olivia Tremor Control

Monday, April 17, 2006

What to do?

Current song - "Sexy Ankles" by Superchunk.

I hate school and it hates me back. I have an essay to write that I really don't want to, that she said should have amazing dicition in it. I have a Chemistry study guide to do that I don't really understand. Damn you Boil. Oh, and I did horrible on my U.S. History test last week. I am getting into that mode where I just don't care anymore and it sucks. I think my 4.0. is going down and that REALLY sucks. I'll be really pissed if I'm not in the Top 10% by the time I graduate. See, I hate this about me. I care about these stupid things that don't even matter, or rather, won't matter in one year.

I hate college even more actually. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and it sucks. The fact that my mom guilts me about it all the time is no fun either. The fact that my parents keep pressuring me to stay in-state.. reeeeally isn't any fun either. I hate this place and I want to get out, is that too much to wrap your head around?

BLAH. Another thing I hate is distance. It all-around pisses me off. I have to see people daily that I really can't stand and that I find to be complete idiots but I can't see some of the people I care about most. I can't see Marye anymore and she's probably the only person I can tell anything to. I can tell Lauren but I don't know, there's this odd understanding that Marye & I that I haven't had with anyone in a long time. I miss the hell out of her. I miss him and he's not even with me, how weird? He's right though... I do need to take more risks. I think that's the problem with my life. I'm too afraid of everything. I'm too afraid that something will happen so I keep myself from taking a lot of risks. I'm taking a risk on him... and it's completely worth it. At least I know that for sure.